


Dreadful Sorry

by Debris_K



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Bad Sex, Blow Job, Embarrassment, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-25
Updated: 2009-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-03 17:44:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Debris_K/pseuds/Debris_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An angsty Xander!embarrassment story with a comforting Spike on the side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreadful Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Contains: S/X slash, bad!sex, angst, discussion of said sex, angsting over bad!sex, Xander!abuse, stupid!sexy!vampires and bad!parents... you get the idea. Also stupid references, OOC-ism at every turn, smut and over 5000 surplus words (originally meant to be a ficlet for gnome781, it grew out of proportion). And eternal gratitude to everyone who told me this didn't completely suck; you know who you are! No betas were tortured in the production of this.

Running through the cemetery while clutching a red slime covered axe in his arms wasn't Xander's idea of a fun night out with the gang. He could just make out Willow's chanting behind some bushes up ahead, and hoped they could handle the big nasties until he got there. 'None of this would have happened if you'd gone straight to Spike,' he berated himself. He knew that at the first sign of a renegade demon gang trying to move in on the Hellmouth turf their resident bloodsucking killing machine should've been informed, but he'd let his personal embarrassment get the better of him. Now the girls were struggling to contain the mess he'd inadvertently let start when the memory of his near-humiliation the night before made him open his big mouth and second Buffy's 'we don't need no stinkin' chipped vampire' speech. Open mouth, insert... foot, and the thought made him blush and choke at the same time.

'It wasn't a foot you were trying to stick in there last time, was it?' a voice in his mind gleefully taunted.

'Shut up,' Xander mentally snapped. 'Stupid well-endowed vampires with perfect washboard abs,' he muttered to himself.

How was he supposed to know it wouldn't, well, _fit_? Girls in every porn he'd ever watched never had problems with going down on guys with some pretty impressive sizes, and Xander hoped he wasn't talking out of his ass – and there's another thought to make him blush miserably – but some were sure to be bigger than Spike's, well, _spike_. He choked down a very misguided giggle and tried to pick up the pace.

He was running out of steam, and he knew that while leaving Buffy alone to deal with the two remaining demons hadn't been a completely bad idea he wasn't sure of how much help he would be to the witch-y duo against half a dozen more three foot tall scaly wanna-be hedgehogs. Xander firmly told himself that the next time he managed to mortally embarrass himself in front of the bleached wonder he wouldn't chicken out of the chance for a public reprise. Life and limb, and damn but his forearm hurt where he'd almost had a bit chomped off, was sure worth more than another chance for Spike to point and laugh at Xander's inanity. Sexual inanity, at that. It still hurt, though, to remember that particular moment.

A loud scuffle and some inspired swearing, followed by a bright flash came from his destination and Xander threw every bit of energy he had left into cutting around a pair of trees to get there in time. He rounded on a clearing, breath heaving in his burning lungs to see Spike hanging from a branch a few feet above an apologetic Tara, the vampire cursing up a blue streak while Willow from some feet away tried to reassure them all that the spell had been perfectly focused and no-one but the demons could have gotten hurt. There was dark tangerine muck splattered everywhere, some covering Tara's skirt and blouse, fat globs of it dripping down from Spike's ruined duster to land on her hair. Xander hurriedly looked around for any signs of remaining demons and his inattention caused him to slip on a patch of red slime, momentum carrying him forward into a spectacular slip-yell-flail mid-air, landing with a big thump in the middle of a puddle of tangerine goo.

Breath knocked out of him and ass smarting like it hadn't since he'd decorated his dad's shirt with crayons when he was six, Xander let his head fall back with a wet splat and lay flat waiting for his heart to jump out of his chest. 'And you were actually concerned that Spike'd have to _say_ something to humiliate you,' that annoying voice piped up again. 'When you do such a good job on your own.'

'Ain't that the truth,' Xander thought, feeling the ruthlessly shoved down memories of the other night resurface to taunt him. The narrow-eyed disbelief on the vampire's face when Xander leaned over and did his best to stop that infernal mouth with his own, the change of how light reflected in the blue eyes when one hand found its way down the back of Xander's pants and nervous fingers fumbled with Spike's belt. A smug, self-satisfied look creeping over a leer when he'd moaned at having his tonsils sucked out of his throat by a vampire with unlimited lung capacity. How after a lot of stumbling they'd ended up with Spike sprawled in front of a kneeling Xander, pants jumbled around worn boots and Xander couldn't bear to see the shifting light in those eyes. So he stared lower, unconsciously licking his lips before bending to do something he'd never really thought about but had seen hundreds of times on tape.

And when he'd managed to fumble an act that had never been hard – he snorted to himself at the pun – for porn stars but seemed larger than life and twice as complicated up close, he'd self-consciously shifted up to tease the six-pack of hard muscles with his tongue, hoping to regroup and salvage what was salvageable, only to have the muscles twitch under his lips and Spike make a sound suspiciously like a choked-off giggle. He'd licked again, putting more effort into it, and while the whole stomach quivering and rapidly moving with pants wasn't exactly reassuring it wasn't off-putting either, until he sneaked a look down only to see that little Spike wasn't holding up his own, anymore. Starting to panic Xander had put in one more valiant effort, except he'd apparently done all the wrong things in his haste and the end result was choking with splashes of cold spunk coming up his nose courtesy off a still-drooping little Spike, and big Spike curling up on himself breathlessly laughing. The sight of the vampire's blood covered lips from where he'd bitten into his own hand to try and stop the giggles escaping seen through his own eyes teary from choking still wasn't as un-sexy as Xander would have imagined. Occasional giggles shook the muscled body as Spike looked right at him, all shiny blue eyes and swollen mouth even as he stretched a long-fingered hand in Xander's direction and Xander had never seen a sexier sight even in the midst of his misery.

Heaving a great big sigh Xander kept his eyes closed to better banish stubborn tears that shouldn't have had a reason to appear. The memory of scrabbling away, red faced and still painfully horny, stuttering out painfully inadequate nonsense and hightailing it out the door, away from the vampire still trying to get words out amidst the gasps were things in the past and had no place in the middle of the graveyard where everything was covered in tangerine gunk that was starting to smell ripe real fast.

Footsteps beside him, finally, and Willow tugged on his hand. "Xander, are you alright?"

Xander waved a universal 'what you see is as good as it gets' sign with his free hand, splattering red goo on his face, and clambered upright before Willow could try and pull his arm out of its socket in attempt to help him up. Buffy was there, as well, discussing ways to remove the demon slime from her new outfit and clucking over poor Tara's hair, as if Xander wasn't the one covered head-to-toe in the stuff. In fact, so was Spike, Xander noticed out of the corner of his eye but quickly ducked his head and turned away. He managed to stop a bout of Willow-babble just in time and after making sure, again, that all demons were well and surely reverted to slime form, called it quits for the night for the Scoobies and encouraged the girls to usher each other home. Keeping his head down and swallowing hard to manage a probably feeble attempt at a smile Xander told them goodnight, begging out of the post slay-age pizza feast while avoiding Spike's eyes the best he could. He must have been better at fibbing that he thought 'cause none of the girls seemed to notice anything amiss, and left with a chorus of laments over ruined clothes.

He didn't have to turn his head to know that Spike was hovering by his side. Closing his eyes with a huge sigh, Xander said, "What."

After a beat, he sighed again, a defeated sound to his own ears. "You can use my shower."

He thought he felt Spike hesitate for a beat while Xander noticed then bent down for the axe he'd been carrying when he fell. The second sudden change in latitude in a matter of minutes didn't go smoothly when his back then his hurt arm shrieked with pain. He froze almost bent double with a hand on the axe when Spike broke his silence.

"You alright there, mate?" The vampire asked, one cold hand already wrapping around Xander's arm; before he could protest the move they were both upright, stumbling and cursing in pain, Spike belatedly remembering to release Xander's hurt hand. The forgotten axe landed hilt first on the grass, tipping over to hit Spike's boot-encased toes dead on.

Xander watched as a fresh stream of curses left Spike's mouth, feeling oddly detached. He should've been yelling at Spike by now, normally, and definitely laughing at the vampire's abused toes, but instead he just stood there, feeling more tired than he remembered being in a very long time.

Spike looked at him, cocking his head at the silence, obviously expecting some reaction, the last curses deliberately said in a manner Xander usually took great joy in making fun of. It was their usual bantering to-and-fro, but Xander was obviously not holding up his end this time.

The sight of the vampire's tangerine covered appearance made some distant part of him want to break out in song, but he doubted that looking like a big squashed orange-red citrus would excuse his belting out 'oh my darling, oh my dar-ling Cle-men-tine.' Maybe he'd hit his head, after all.

Shaking the weird thought away he turned towards what he hoped was home, and started walking. After a few steps he heard a loud long-suffering sigh, and was tugged around to walk in the right direction. He'd be home in no time, no time at all.

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Back at the apartment, a lifetime later, he pried the soiled clothing away from his skin and into a big bucket he kept around for such purposes under the kitchen sink. Running hot water over the mess he did his best not to think, then before the bucket could overflow removed it from under the faucet and switched the water to cold. After safely depositing the soaking clothes in the cupboard and closing the small latch he'd installed to insure odor proofing, he stuck his head in the sink and let the cold water spray down on him, drowning out the voices in his head.

After his head was as clear as it could get he turned the faucet off and straightened up. Wiping at his face and grimacing where the foul smelling slime had run down, Spike's voice like a bad memory made him stiffen up.   
"We need to talk."

On the walk back the vampire had been strangely reticent, only venturing forth with half-form sentences and even those Xander cut off quickly.

"Are you –"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Can –"

"No."

Agitated draw on the cigarette.

"Look, Xander, I –"

"Don't."

"But –"

Tired sigh. "Just don't."

Frustrated silence all the way to the building.

Once there, Spike had rallied and said, "I get first shower. Bein' a guest and all, and you'll get me out yer hair all the quicker. Or you could let me hang around while you wash, and I could see how many places I can sully with this demon shite..." Before the vampire could work himself up to a few choice words calculated to get a rise out of Xander he got a set of keys tossed at the general direction of his chest.

"Go, wash, oh great sullied one," Xander said tonelessly, feeling too damn tired to argue. Spike trying to act almost apologetic on the way over was difficult enough without having to look into astonished blue eyes. Xander wasn't sure what'd happen if he stopped and allowed himself to think, to try and _feel_, but he wasn't going to find out in the middle of the stairway. Spike rushed ahead, taking the steps two at a time, and he could breathe again.

When he'd reached his floor he was mildly curious why Spike was leaning against his door, Doc Martens in hand and keys hanging in the lock. "Forgot to invite me in, mate," was all Xander got as an explanation as he was bending down to unlace his own footwear, one steadying hand on the doorknob. Then they were all but falling inside as the door swung open, unlocked.

Untangling from the sticky mess of long limbs Spike's voice sounded inordinately shaken as he stumbled inside. "Right, then. Shower. I'll just... right," he managed, then with long strides was chucking his boots out onto the balcony, closing the glass door and window, then disappearing inside the bathroom.

Xander probably should have wondered why the vampire had had that almost stricken expression on his face, but settled for getting his shoes off and following Spike's example put them outside on the balcony to air the stench of demon goo out. That's how he ended up barefoot in the kitchen, trying not to fall apart at the seams.

"We need to talk," Spike had said. He sat down in the nearest chair and thunked his head on the table. It was hard, and it hurt.

"No," he wanted to say, but thunked his head on the table again, instead. When he heard bare feet slapping closer to him he stopped before Spike could do something stupid, like reach out and touch him.

"So talk." His voice was scratchy and he didn't look up from the tabletop.

Frustrated bang as a second chair was spun around with vampire strength and slamed down across from Xander, said wielder of vampire strength straddling it, no doubt. Soft rustle and snick, then the familiar tang of cheap cigarette smoke. Xander would have to buy him another carton of the better stuff if he wanted his own throat and nose in working order... if a chance ever arose, again.

"I don't know what's what anymore. First I expect to be welcomed with a brand new Harris Original stake in the graveyard after hearing your impassioned 'lets keep this amongst us real Scoobies' speech at the house. Then the Slayer doesn't even sneer in my direction so I can't believe you told her one damn thing about what happened in the crypt. Not to mention I'm still bipedal which means Red didn't get an earful either. Am I followin' this right?"

Xander wrestled a neutral expression on his face and impassively stared just above Spike's right ear; the vampire could read it as he wished. He hoped he was reading 'yeah, so what?'

Spike forcibly didn't let himself be distracted by the lack of response and took another long drag on the cigarette, crossing his arms across his naked chest in a move that would've been defensive on anyone other than big bad Master vampires who didn't get defensive. "Right. So you didn't run and tattle to your friends," and since he could feel Spike looking at him again Xander hoped that this time he was reading a snort on his impassive face. "And you didn't get me uninvited since the last time I've been here..."

Spike trailed off as if doing some hard thinking; either that or he was about to experience heavy duty bowl movement, but since vampires don't get those it had to be the few un-dead brain cells doing all the work, and Xander hoped he'd read the 'duh' on his face before he turned all introspective.

"If yer pissed at me you should've done a better job with that axe instead of dropping it on my toes without even getting a laugh after. Thought you were rushing over like you were to make sure the beasties finish the job on me proper." Thinking bout finished as abruptly as it started, Spike took a last drag on the cigarette before pitching it towards the sink, and said with the great satisfaction of a speaker finishing his Nobel Prize winning speech, "As it's you that's started this whole bloody mess, it's your damn responsibility to make it right. So go on, what'ya got to say?"

In the expectant silence that ensued Xander weighed his options, swallowed the two-ton brick that had lodged in his throat, sat up straight and said, "Fine." It came out so soft he could barely hear it, so he cleared his throat uncomfortably and looking Spike in the eye tried again.

"I'm sorry."

He got up and all but ran for the bathroom, leaving shocked silence behind.

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Under the cold spray of water hot tears burned down his face. He hadn't bothered turning the warm water tap, somewhere deep down thinking that Spike never left more than luke-warm water anyway.

'Sorry for messing up something that was supposed to be so simple, sorry for not taking it like a man and running away instead, sorry for falling for a stupid chipped vampire in the first place and thinking I had any chance with you, sorry for not wanting Buffy to stake you, sorry for caring, sorry for almost getting the girls killed, just sorry for everything, can't seem to do anything right,' Xander sobbed under the cover of water, the last twenty four hours catching up with him. Before he could slide down the shower wall, a cold, wet, wretched heap, strong arms were wrapping around him, smooth voice shushing him and cursing at the water in turns.

"Damn it pet, Xan, hush, yer gonna make yourself sick, damn cold water – bollocks, turn already – hush now, it'll be alright, we'll make things alright, no need to get yourself all worked up and sick over anything ol' Spike says or does, hush now Xan, it's alright." Spike's voice was soft and soothing, pressed as he was to the vampire's surprisingly warm body in the cold shower. He tried to get his sobbing mutters of apology to stop, choking on them and warming water. Still, it was all his fault, even though hearing that crooning voice gently tell him repeatedly it wasn't felt stupidly like getting the best piece of warm pie ever.

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ + ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
It was still dark out when Xander woke up, hair slightly damp and definitely not in the shower. Upon trying to move, cool hands tightened around him. A warmth-leeching long mass of muscled undead body snuggling closer to his own. It was both shocking and completely expected to discover they were both equally naked under the covers, in his bed if the lose spring at his shoulder could be trusted.

"Spike," Xander tried to say, but his throat hurt and the word came out hoarse and scratchy. Soft lips kissed the rest of the unvoiced words right off his mouth, soft and pliant, the touch more tender than he'd ever imagined a kiss could truly be.

The bedside lamp clicked on while he was blinking dazedly then Spike was back, cool forehead pressed against his own.

"Xander." Breathed across his lips as sleepy blue eyes regarded him openly, nothing hidden in them. "Said enough in the shower to last a few years, recon 's my turn again."

Silence as Spike seemed content to just lie there looking at him, one hand coming up to card through his hair slowly. 'Lovingly,' a voice in Xander's mind piped up before he shushed it, knowing better than to ask for more when the little he seemed to be granted at the moment felt so good. He resisted turning his head into the caress like a cat, barely, choosing instead to wriggle a hand up from underneath the covers and motion to them, cozied up in the bedroom, and arch an inquiring eyebrow.

Spike, ever the king of tact, snorted and said, "Cleaned us up after you calmed down in the bath, didn't I? You were finally silent and falling asleep, so I got us dry and in bed where it's warm." Careful fingertips rasped over his injured arm, and Xander noticed that it had been bandaged up, the binding neat and tight. "Didn't feel right leavin' you alone after the night you had," Spike said, and leaned over again, slowly as if he were judging it was alright, and pressed a kiss to Xander's lips.

Xander's lashes fluttered closed and he kissed back, mouth eager and finding Spike's just as greedy, tongues tangling deliciously before Xander could even stop to think.

They broke apart with a wet sound, both panting and Xander's face flushed. "Stupid vampires with not needing to breathe," he muttered then dove into Spike's mouth again, earning himself a dick-raising groan.

This time when they broke apart Spike was looking as flushed as Xander despite his lack of a tan, eyes feverish with want. "Could crawl inside that hot mouth of yours to live, pet." A cold thumb swiped a slow caress across Xander's bottom lip. "Delicious."

What blood wasn't pooled in his groin rushed up into his face, the fierce blush making Xander's face burn.

"But, I couldn't even..." he trailed off despondently, misery coming over him again.

Spike kissed him stupid before he could say anything else. When he let him up to breathe Spike's arms squeezed his shoulders, voice fierce. "It was yer first time goin' down on a bloke, right?"

Xander could only nod dumbly, head swimming from the last kiss.

"'S never the way folks imagine, first time. Everything's bigger, scarier, more complicated and crude than it really is. You were doin' fine 'til you got spooked and panicked. Downright spine-melting, you were."

"I – I couldn't breathe, they say you should breathe through your nose but I couldn't remember how, and then I tried to swallow 'cause I was, you know, drooling _a lot_, and girls always do it all neat and stuff, but then... Damn it, if the embarrassment doesn't kill me the rush of blood to my face will," Xander joked, chuckling weakly. "You were... it was just _too_ big and I could hold my breath but I couldn't swallow, just tried and nothing happened like I'd forgotten how to do it, and it was bad enough to drool like a –"

Spike cut off the nervous babbling with a kiss that made Xander's toes curl and it was all he could do to moan appreciatively when a barely-warm hand wrapped around his hard on, stroking surely.

"Oh yeah," Xander moaned breathily, breaking off the kiss. He made a valiant effort to get back on track. "Like, like an idiot, and then I couldn't even remember how to swallow –"

"Around me. You had your mouth fairly full when you tried, didn't you Xan?" The hand that wasn't busy making Xander's brain melt was slowly stroking a thumb across his tingling lips, the caress rough enough to make his lips part on a moan as Spike's eyes fixed on them with an almost perverse fascination. "Yeah, that's it," Spike muttered, thumb dipping into Xander's mouth, swirling and thrusting in a way that made Xander's eye cross and his balls tighten. "Now, swallow like a good boy, go on."

Thinking that all he could do at that moment was maybe come over himself or even both of them if he was lucky but not much more, Xander was both relived and disappointed when the hand on him let up, just holding loosely. Under Spike's blood boiling stare he tried to swallow once, then again, until the finger in his mouth didn't feel like a foreign object. The vampire's husky praises made his face flame more, though he was sure he'd already reached his blushing limit long ago.

Two long fingers slipped into his mouth to replace the spit-slick thumb, tasting vaguely smoky and salty and pressing deeper than before, making Xander uncomfortably remember his gag-reflex. At Spike's encouragement he gave them a tentative suck, and was rewarded with a clever thumb swirling around the head of his erection. The dual sensations made Xander forget everything but the maddening rush of lust painting the world in swirling colors and husky moans.

Spike, voice vibrating against the skin of Xander's throat where he was working on eating Xander alive without switching to game face, encouraged him to swallow again. After a few seconds of debating whether coming and biting Spike's fingers off would count, Xander tried to swallow, throat clicking hard. He pulled back slightly and tried again, only taking the fingers in deeper when he got braver, and finally swallowed around their full length. Spike's deep moan against the bruised skin of his throat felt like a growl.

"Such a clever pet, you are." Husky words made Xander shiver again, and finally remember to move the hand that had been clutching at a cold bony hip to a place where it would be much better appreciated.

The silky lukewarm flesh in his hands didn't feel as huge as it had looked up close, and Xander pulled his mouth away from Spike's to look down at what their hands were doing. It was a shock, no better word for the mind-bending surprise that stole over Xander's face that Spike's dick didn't look much bigger than his own.

All but purring with satisfaction Spike pushed his hips closer, clever fingers wrapping both their hands around two equally hard erections, giving them a breath-catching squeeze. Spike moaned and gave Xander's mouth a dirty but thorough lick before speaking. "Like two peas in a pod, eh luv? Don't feel so scary when you remember you've got one of your own, does it," Spike husked, face pressing against Xander's throat again. 'Duh,' Xander thought haltingly, 'vampire, neck fetish, no real surprise there.'

On closer inspection, their dicks were not that similar, aside from a closeness in size. One was thicker with a slick, close fitting head, the other more slender with a more prominent ridge and fatter head. There was excess foreskin on one and lack of it on the other, and then the difference in body temperature that made Xander moan every time they rubbed together _just right_. Also a slight difference in coloring, one pale pink going on red, the other angry red going on purple. So many minute differences, yet when Xander moved his hand just so and stroked his thumb in a circle _there_, they both twitched and leaked precome the same.

When Spike moaned out "Yeah, just like that, luv, harder," Xander happily complied and all thought left the room and was replaced by panting moans in a mindless rush to get off.

Xander's orgasm caught him by surprise when he managed a particularly delicious move with his hand at the same time Spike found the perfect spot on his neck to sink blunt teeth into, making him yell out in astonished pleasure as his brain melted and shot out his cock.

Spike growled his pleasure at the sight, eyes flashing yellow as he tried to crawl inside the younger man's mouth with tongue and oh so sharp teeth, coming in hard pulses against a still twitching Xander.

Afterwards they drifted in the afterglow, content with slow petting and deep, open-mouthed kisses that made both men sigh.

"Never did finish our little talk," Spike said in a lull some time later.

"Hmrph?" Was Xander's eloquent reply considering he'd just come harder than he could ever remember coming, though remembering itself required more functioning brain cells than he had just then.

"What'd gotten you so worked up the previous night, Xan? You were all but ready to jump out of yer skin; thought you'd give me a right seeing to when you grabbed me as you did. Not that I'm complaining how that turned out, pet," Spike punctuated his words with a leer and a grope of Xander's ass. "But you shouldn't let things get to you like that. Now, out with it."

No whining noises on Xander's part could derail a determined Spike, and Xander huffed in annoyance. 'Stupid stubborn sexy vampire without the human male sleep-after-you-come gene.'

"You'll think it's dumb, and don't tell me you won't before you even heard it," he waggled a warning finger in front of the vampire's nose, only to have it pounced upon by wet lips and suckled on by a clever, clever tongue. "Ugh guh, that's not fair." Spike only smirked around the digit and waggled his eyebrows.

Xander sighed. "Fine, but you're the one who wanted to know.

"It, it was Mother's Day a few days ago, and as the boss at work is Italian American and very catholic, we got the day off to spend with our _families_," Xander said, giving a distasteful emphasis on the last word.

"When I was seven the teacher at school had us make Mother's Day cards to take home as a surprise. It was a big deal to all the kids, Willow helped me make a card just perfect with a flower pinned to the inside that we'd begged off the teacher. So, I went home and Dad's home for a change, and I showed him the card. He just held the card in his big dirty hands, staring at it, and finally said that didn't I know that Mom's birthday was coming real soon, and that I was stupid not to remember it and if I were smart I would hide the card until Mom's birthday to really surprise her.

"I waited for about two weeks for Dad to say happy birthday to Mom. Finally the day comes, and I scramble to get the card out, all wrinkled by then but I still go up to her and try to stutter out the poem we had memorized for Mother's Day but it's been too long and I can't remember all the words and she glances at the card with the wilted flower in the middle with a date of last month printed in big letters to the front, and starts laughing. She's still laughing as she finishes her alcohol laced coffee and, looking straight at me, pats me on the head then goes to work, card forgotten on the counter. Dad didn't even wait till she was out of our driveway before giving me what-for for being so stupid."

Xander swallowed hard, and plowed on trying to ignore the uncharacteristically silent vampire beside him.

"Anyway, I learned my lesson then. On the day off I go out, finally decide to heck with it and buy Mom a birthday card for the first time in forever. Next day on the job the boss takes me to task for loitering with friends instead of spending the time with family, and I show him the card and explain it's a tradition in our house," Xander's voice trembled when repeating the obvious lie. "He sends me out to buy a Mother's Day card as well and makes me promise to deliver it personally that night. So I go, two cards and a bunch of flowers in one hand, knocking at the door of my childhood nightmares. Dad opens the door, less sober than usual, and tears open the envelope, cursing when he finds no money inside. Mom comes to the door, yelling at both of us, then gives me the 'poor old me my only son doesn't care about my health' speech, crying over her migraine. As if I haven't always known the only cause of her headaches was too much vodka.

"After a whole ugly scene with lots of shouting and the neighbors threatening to call the cops Dad and Mom finally proclaimed me a worthless son and told me not to come back till I get my life in shape.

"Can you imagine the irony; decent life on the Hellmouth? It got me thinking, if I'm such a screw up at everything I might as well see if there's anything I want that I might be good at right away rather than delaying the inevitable. Long self-revelation story cut short, one sleepless night and a god-awful day later I'm jumping your bones like you're the last Twinkie in the box and next you're laughing your ass off.

"Hope you're happy now, fangless." Xander finished and puffed out a long breath towards the ceiling.

Sometime during the story the vampire had shifted to lying half on top of Xander, pressing his cold nose into the warm pulse point.

"Wasn't laughing at you," Spike muttered quietly.

Xander snorted.

"'M ticklish, dolt. Was trying not to scream like a schoolboy."

Beat. Xander frowned.

"Are you serious?" Xander tried to pry the vampire away from his neck but the undead leech resisted, clinging tight.

"Have a ticklish stomach, a'right? Leave off," he muttered into soft skin.

"I don't believe you." Xander retorted, and then started plotting how to get his hand... right there, without alerting the vampire to what he was doing.

"Not tryin' ta take the piss with ya, am I?" Spike sniffed against his neck. "Yer not gonna do anything stupid, will ya Xan?"

Hand finally in easy reach of the goal, Xander drawled in an awful mock accent, "Stupid is as stupid does," and pinched Spike's ass on both cheeks. Hard.

Spike yelped, loudly protesting the abuse and lurched away from Xander, hands going back to cover the violated body part. The move left his whole front side open and Xander dove, lips first, for his ultimate goal.

Spike howled and laughed long and loud, for lots of reasons, some more fun than others for both of them.


End file.
